Expat Articles

This is a big dilemma in our lives. After living overseas for just under twenty years my attitude has dramatically changed on this theme. Gone are the days of running to the florist for fresh cut flowers and sweeping off the welcome mat, no now you are more likely to see me and my family nailing up the front door.

I´m not talking about family and close friends mind you. I´m referring to the hoards of acquaintances who you never more than merely chatted to over the water cooler at the office, or who used to live next door for a couple of months. These types of "friends" seem to be the most brazen. They re-connect with you on Facebook after ten years or so then announce they are bringing their whole football team-like brood to stay with you.  

I remember my year living in New York. I was newly married and trying to adjust not only to my new marital status, but also to living in a new country. Well, I shouldn´t have worried about being alone. I think in the whole twelve months that we spent there, we were lucky if we had more than two days to ourselves. There was a constant stream of traffic passing through day after day, week after week, month after month.

I wasn´t living in a grand house mind you, or even a spacious apartment. We just had the one bedroom with a small living room that had a very used and abused sofa bed. In those naive days, we´d give up our bed for the visitors, just to make their stay more comfortable. Also my husband didn´t want to disturb them when he had to tip-toe around and try and have breakfast and get dressed in the dark. God forbid he should have woken them up while they were enjoying their holiday!

You´d think if you provided comfortable and central accommodation that would be enough. No, no no, of course they have huge appetites after such a long flight, jetlag, change of season whatever. That´s when you become chief chef and bottle washer.

Then there is the issue of sightseeing. How many times can a person see the same gallery, monument, tower, museum etc. But, as they are the guests they like to have a familiar tour guide, and one that pays for everything is even better.

Of course the visitors are champing at the bit to try every new fine dining experience they can. Why, they are on holidays of course! Forget that you´ve got a six am meeting the following day, a kid with a serious fever, homework to help with and a myriad of other tasks. They want to sit lingering over a second bottle of wine. Then, to help digest the heavy and expensive meal take a leisurely sightseeing stroll. Finally they flop down on your sofa to laugh over the good ol´days. Meanwhile the hours until you have to get up to resume daily life draw closer.

Once you´ve handed over your house, food, money and time then there is of course your clothing. It is more than usual that the guests have forgotten key pieces of their wardrobe, not packed adequately for the season or just prefer the look of your newly acquired European style.

Then inevitably something gets broken. Like the time a friend and her small son came to stay for a weekend. The little tiger just loved pressing the button to open and close the electric blinds. Shortly after their departure I went to re-make the bed and tidy the room, oh and open the blinds wider. Nope, they wouldn´t budge. Our little friend had kindly broken the switch. That short visit cost in the region of one hundred euros!

Airport etiquette is also another bug bear. You are in the middle of a busy working day and you are expected to take time off or re-juggle timetables just so they can be greeted by your smiley face. After you´ve battled through the crowds, paid the airport parking and wrestled with the bags you make it home in several hours. A taxi ride for the unnamed guest would have been not only been quicker but cheaper.

It really sounds like I'm anti-social. I'm not. Just a person who likes good manner. If staying, come for a long-weekend at most. Bring a gift. A bottle of wine or something from where you´ve come from. Not a crumpled magazine you've just read on the plane like one so called "friend" gave me. Offer to help around the house, cook a meal or better still invite the hosts out for dinner.

Now, when not so close friends and distant relatives call to plan a visit I am prepared. I offer to email a list of reasonable nearby accommodation, maps and transport timetables to and from the airport. It´s amazing how quickly some peoples travel plans change!   

My mother likes to remind me of the saying, "Visitors are like fresh fish, they go off after two or three days". My mother-in-law says the same in Spanish. "El invitado y la pesca al tercer dia apesta!". I for one am sick of my home smelling like the proverbial fish markets!

Suzanne Bernard is an Australian ex BBC Television journalist and producer who has lived in Spain for ten years. Her husband who she met while working in London is a Madrileño, and they have a six year old bilingual daughter. Suzanne lived and worked in Sydney, London, New York and Amsterdam before settling in Spain. You can enjoy the trials and tribulations of Suzanne´s journey living in Spain regularly on our website and we look forward to your response to her pieces.